Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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