i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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