Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
