Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
