Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
