I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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