i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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