Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
