I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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