1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
