i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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