So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
