Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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