Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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