The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Randomize
