if you like me you must not know who I am
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
