Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
