Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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