dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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