She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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