i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
