Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize