When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize