Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
