I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
