The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You smell like stripper and shame
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
