My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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