'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
