grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
