Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
