Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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