Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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