There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
