I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
