No awkward lesbian experiences without me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
