just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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