Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
