Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
