Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
