Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
