He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
