Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
