tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize