Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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