my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
