Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
