he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
