see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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