She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
