Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
