some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
