If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize