He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
