Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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