Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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