Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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