theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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