im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
